an incredible force

i think its undeniable around the world that music is an incredible force. every country and culture produces their own versions of life in music. by listening to music i think people can experience the unspoken emotions of other people and oftentimes we can identify with those emotions--even if we never thought we had them. i know for myself that there are a lot of songs that i consider to be the sorta soundtracks of my life. the following videos are a sample of sorts of the tunes that have really felt like they're exhibiting my life in one way or another.

"Meet Me On the Equinox" ~ Death Cab For Cutie

you can ridicule me because this song is on the New Moon soundtrack, it doesn't matter that much to me--the song is still freaking incredible! this song has really been close in the last month or so because of the line "everything, everything ends". its an acknowledgment that even though things now are wonderful (or perhaps terrible) everything ends. every good friendship and relationship will someday end. life as we know it will eventually end. it's a sober realization, but i think it helps one to enjoy, focus, and get the most out of now, knowing that there is an end.

"Love the Way You Lie" ~ Eminem (ft. Rihanna) [note: if you have an issue with hearing the "f" word consider yourself warned]

this song makes me think about how i am and what i don't want in my life or in a relationship (not to mention its stinking catchy). i find it so easy to lie to myself, ignore the blaring problems, and barge into situations telling myself that everything will be alright and that i can avoid getting hurt. sure, love and even attraction is powerful; but so is dishonesty, mistrust, and hatred. essentially, this song is a strong reminder of what to prevent in one's life.

"Down" ~ Anberlin

it's a song for when i feel like i have nothing left, no energy left to move in any direction but down. just a simple plea for someone to prevent all sorts of last acts of desperation (with some killer vocal harmonies).

"Half Light II (No Celebration)" ~ Arcade Fire

there are so many good lines in this song such as "wanna wash away my sins/in the presence of my friends" and "some people say/they've already lost/but they're afraid to pay the cost/for what we've lost" to name just two. lately, i've been thinking a lot about my hometown, my childhood, and the current state of my world. this song expresses a lot of sentiments that make me look back in a melancholic way...but at the same time to keep pressing forward to the future--hopefully not becoming a robot in the process. to me, its a song about grief but at the same time a song about a wisp of hope "someday we'll see this long gone"--ending with what sounds like a fading march into heaven. [note: there are SO many good Arcade Fire songs that i could go on an on about but i won't bore you. if you happen to be interested check out: "Empty Room", "Sprawl II", "City With No Children", "We Used to Wait" and "Ready to Start"]

"Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad?" ~ Moby

easily one of the most touching songs in my opinion. its the blues asking two simple intertwined questions "why does my heart feel so bad/why does my soul feel so bad?"--and that's basically the whole song. while so simple, it is so powerful. its the simple question that i keep asking on those days when i hurt for no conscious reason.

"Zooropa" ~ U2

any song that opens with "what do you want?" gets my attention. this song is an expression of what it feels like to be swirling around, not knowing up from down, confusion, overwhelming circumstances with so many complex and yet simple questions--very close to how my life has been recently. one question that always catches me is "i've been hiding/what have i been hiding from?" as someone who has frequently fights crippling fear this question digs every time--what exactly am i hiding from? the ending is glorious with the comforting suggestion "don't worry baby, it's gonna be alright/uncertainty could be a guiding light" and then later "take your head out of the mud baby".

so yeah.

spiral

the world feels like its in a spiral. entropy is the force that's sucking us all down some sort of massive black hole.

people tell me that, i being in college, will have the time of my life--a time of almost endless opportunities. this is all true to some extent, but it makes me feel old. i go to class, and the more our terrible economy is dissected, the more i hear of the quality of life, and the more philosophy i read the more i can feel the end of my life coming. the world is so incredibly depressing. it's hard to get out of bed knowing that an endless number of people are dying terrible deaths every time i breathe.

sounds rather morbid eh?

at 18, one would think i have the world ahead and yet i feel like i'm running out of time to live. i feel like i've been saying goodbye to way too many people i love.

lately, this feeling of an impending end has been motivating me to get out and do some things i've never done before. yeah, i have a bucket list--its getting rather long in fact.

i just hate the idea of working to get the bachelor's (maybe master's) degree out of the way and then settling down with a full time job until whatever next happens. i want to be a nomad/hippie first...want to see the world before i get too tied up with being an adult. honestly, i don't know if i ever want to get tied down to particular place. i want to get some piercings, maybe even get a tattoo with a priceless meaning. i want to paint a enormous amount of masterpieces...especially a mural. i'm ok with people thinking i've gone off the deep end--it doesn't matter anymore what they think.

in a lot of ways i feel like i'm walking away from fear.

the road ahead is super unclear...and it yeah it makes me worry sometimes but at the same time i've realized how much it sucks when i'm not brave enough to try something just because i've never done it before.

and for those who might wonder, i haven't kicked God out the back window. not to say our relationship is by any means ideal. my beliefs have gotten torn out and revamped a lot. faith is an endless struggle. hope is...something i need but at the same time something i have a hard time believing in. i still have a hard time going to church. regardless of all that, i keep coming back to Jesus--the idea of someone perfect dying for this stupid world. i keep coming back to the idea that the poor are important and whats first is actually last and whats last is actually first. redemption. forgiveness. immortality. its at least a way to cope with all the injustice and calamity out there. maybe i've just constructed a massive web of theodicy, but i like to think its better than being cynical and thinking i'm brave by facing an empty hole alone and depressed.

life in the city

so. i live in Seattle now...and its amazing. why?

1) having access to a car isn't necessary
2) there is a lot to do (concerts, etc)
3) there are a lot of people to meet
4) there are a lot of places to shop (heh heh)

as for being in college, meh...nothing too new except the surroundings and size of classes. the reading load appears to be a lot heavier here than it was at the community college i went to last year...which isn't that nice in my opinion.

dorm life. well...it doesn't feel like home even though i find myself calling my room that because it's where all my stuff is. overall, its definitely a lot better than what i expected.

so yep.