spiral

the world feels like its in a spiral. entropy is the force that's sucking us all down some sort of massive black hole.

people tell me that, i being in college, will have the time of my life--a time of almost endless opportunities. this is all true to some extent, but it makes me feel old. i go to class, and the more our terrible economy is dissected, the more i hear of the quality of life, and the more philosophy i read the more i can feel the end of my life coming. the world is so incredibly depressing. it's hard to get out of bed knowing that an endless number of people are dying terrible deaths every time i breathe.

sounds rather morbid eh?

at 18, one would think i have the world ahead and yet i feel like i'm running out of time to live. i feel like i've been saying goodbye to way too many people i love.

lately, this feeling of an impending end has been motivating me to get out and do some things i've never done before. yeah, i have a bucket list--its getting rather long in fact.

i just hate the idea of working to get the bachelor's (maybe master's) degree out of the way and then settling down with a full time job until whatever next happens. i want to be a nomad/hippie first...want to see the world before i get too tied up with being an adult. honestly, i don't know if i ever want to get tied down to particular place. i want to get some piercings, maybe even get a tattoo with a priceless meaning. i want to paint a enormous amount of masterpieces...especially a mural. i'm ok with people thinking i've gone off the deep end--it doesn't matter anymore what they think.

in a lot of ways i feel like i'm walking away from fear.

the road ahead is super unclear...and it yeah it makes me worry sometimes but at the same time i've realized how much it sucks when i'm not brave enough to try something just because i've never done it before.

and for those who might wonder, i haven't kicked God out the back window. not to say our relationship is by any means ideal. my beliefs have gotten torn out and revamped a lot. faith is an endless struggle. hope is...something i need but at the same time something i have a hard time believing in. i still have a hard time going to church. regardless of all that, i keep coming back to Jesus--the idea of someone perfect dying for this stupid world. i keep coming back to the idea that the poor are important and whats first is actually last and whats last is actually first. redemption. forgiveness. immortality. its at least a way to cope with all the injustice and calamity out there. maybe i've just constructed a massive web of theodicy, but i like to think its better than being cynical and thinking i'm brave by facing an empty hole alone and depressed.